I am a person with experience of being in jail and of committing suicide. Whenever I gave a testimony before people, I reminded myself that every day was a gift from God.

Before accepting the Lord.

I was a rebellious youth who grew up in a slum and who craved for money and material possessions. After graduation, I started to work during the day and study during the night. I hoped that by so doing I could make my mark and climb to the top with my own efforts and wits. Starting from 1986, I earned a lot of easy money, got promotions and won Mark Six from time to time. Because of work, I traveled between Hong Kong and Taiwan and had a wonderful lustful night life and material possessions at the employer's expense.

Craving for material possessions.

Money flooded in too easily. I indulged myself in pleasure of things which I regarded as the ultimate goal for life. However, I experienced greater emptiness after indulging in material desires to fill the void in my heart. As rightly pointed out by Ecclesiastes 2:9-11, “I have grown in wisdom. I denied myself nothing my eyes desired. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”

Committing suicide.

Once upon a time which I could not recall, I had many ideals which seemed unachievable and they turned out to be meaningless. The thought of committing suicide appeared on my mind. I suddenly felt that life was meaningless and people lived only to expect death. Even if one could live for another 10, 20 or 100 years, so what? It was better to leave this meaningless world and the destined-to-lose game earlier, without going through all the pains and hardships caused by sickness and aging. I subsequently made a suicidal attempt by taking a heavy dosage of drugs and 2 to 3 bottles of strong wine, in the hope that I could end my life instantly without pain.

Discovering a new life.

Because of drunkenness, I vomited a large quantity of drugs and was in a coma for several hours. When I came round, I climbed out of the windows on the 11 th floor, intending to jump down. However, I was too weak and scared to jump. Subsequently, I was sent to the Queen Mary Hospital for gastric washout. The Lord clearly showed me a wheel-chair bound patient who was full of joy. The patient went everywhere to attend to the needs of other patients. I saw and sensed his joy which radiated from the bottom of his heart. I was perplexed. Subsequently, he came near my bed and looked at me who was having an intravenous infusion and handcuffed. He told me about his story- he suffered from poliomyelitis and an unknown illness when he was a small kid and had to spend most of his life in hospital. Doctors said that people in such a condition would not normally live beyond the age of 20. But he told me that he was 37 years old. He lived happily. He said that every day was a free gift to him. He felt happy and valued other people's life as he knew how precious life was.

What a miracle - a person with limited mobility, no formal education, no family, no health, no condition which a normal person required for a living, no future but risk of facing death any time, uncertainty of whether being able to wake up the next day appeared before me, alive and living decently and happily and giving a testimony of his life.

This was a testimony which I didn't understand earlier on and which I might not have the chance to understand later. The stunning impact it had on my heart was indescribable. Turning to myself, I had all the conditions required for a living, which he lacked and yet he had the only thing I lacked- that is “life”, a happy, fruitful, hopeful and meaningful life.

Receiving the Lord's grace in prison.

At that time I could not figure out why. Though I saw the light and the goal, there was complete darkness under my feet with no direction and purpose of where to go. When I didn't have a clue where to go or what to do, the Lord showed me once again the light outside this world. I was transferred to the Lo Wu Detention Centre where I could experience the kindness of the Lord and the unexpected care, warmth, passion and unconditional giving through the co-workers and volunteers of the Hong Kong Christian Kun Sun Association. After I came out of jail, I attended a church and experienced the love and peace in the Lord. The passion of the brothers-in-the-Lord warmed my heart thoroughly. I was granted a rod which I could get hold of and rely on.

Regaining freedom.

In the meantime, the Lord looked after my material needs. By the grace of the Lord, new jobs were offered to me from time to time according to my abilities and needs. Though on the material level I didn't receive as much as before, on the management of life I had never received so much. What's most amazing was that the Lord of his own volition granted me the acceptance of and recognition by my family which I had never dreamed of or prayed for.

Willing to be used by the Lord.

Amazing grace appeared in my life from time to time. I had opportunities to share with people from different walks of life (including those from different churches, schools, prisons and the Mainland China) the Lord's grace. Whenever I gave a testimony, I had a chance to reflect on my life and experience the Lord's grace once again. Giving testimony and experiencing God occurred in a cycle again and again. What's more amazing was that I had the chance to receive training in a seminary despite the fact that I had no financial means and been baptized for less than a year.

I remembered that on an occasion after I completed a retraining scheme and shortly after I was baptized, a trainer asked us about our plan for the future. Surprisingly, I told the class that I wanted to be a preacher. I then shared the Lord's grace in a non-Christian organization. During this 2 years' training and ministry, I had a more and more distinct understanding of the mission which the Lord called on me: “God wanted me to preach the gospel- the Philip who spreads the gospel. (My English name is Philip.)”

Being called.

Romans 16:26-27 gives me a clear revelation/direction: “the revelation of the mystery ……now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all nations might believe and obey him- to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.”

When I first learnt about this mystery, the Lord enabled me to learn about this mystery, gave me a new life and called me to preach His truth. It was my past experience that the Bible changed my life. In the course of preaching, I found that my understanding of God was shallow, that I lacked the ability to convince others and that my knowledge was scanty. Though rich experience made it easy for me to understand the problems one encountered in different situations and from the prospective of psychology one could gain a comprehensive self-understanding, one had no way out if he didn't believe in God- something I learned from the Christian counseling courses I attended. So an understanding of people, the situations they were in and their values is helpful. But what's more crucial is the knowledge of the Word of God which enables us to have a real life. Likewise, the apostle Paul became all things to different people when preaching gospel and what he preached to different people was distinctly different. The core of the gospel (which addresses all issues) comes from the promises of God stated in the Old Testament and the realization of the prophecies in respect of Lord Jesus' death, His burial and His resurrection. The Word of God is rich. I hope I can study the Word in depth so that His people can benefit. May all the glory and wisdom come from God.

Life at the seminary.

I've been studying in a seminary for 6 years. God has showered me with abundant grace. Through different subjects, different teachers, different classmates and different co-workers, I gradually gained an understanding of God's will, love and knowledge. I began a journey of getting to know God, people, theology, the world and the will of God. This does not only help in the pursuit of the life ahead, the direction for my ministry, but most importantly it enables me to know God and myself and to seek God's will in respect of my life.

A life of ministry.

This is the last term of my 6-year training in the seminary. “The stream was dry” mentioned in a pastor's talk whirled in my ears. I stretched my memory to the message about the broom tree which I heard during the orientation camp organized by the seminary - The angel of the Lord brought Elijah food. Elijah went to sleep after eating and he ate again after waking up. After having enough rest, he continued his journey. The message about “the stream was dry” was clearly a calling from God, directing me to get up and proceed.

It seems that 2006 has a special meaning to me. In 1976, I left my Dad and started working. In 1986, the income from my job as well as the easy money from other sources enabled me to roll in luxury like the rich. In 1996, I reached the lowest point in my life – I made suicidal attempts, got divorced and went to jail….. However, because of all these experiences I got to know Jesus through the Hong Kong Kun Sun Christian Association and enrolled in a seminary to get myself equipped. In 2006, I graduated from the seminary and entered a new phase in my ministry.

Looking back and ahead.

Looking back at my past experience, I find that there have been different phases and hurdles in my life. I am now facing another hurdle. It appears from my past experience that I didn't know how to face a new phase of my life and this coupled with my lack of ability and reluctance to leave the past behind resulted in my attachment to many things and my deficiency in coping with stress. As a result, I broke down and lived a messy life.

I shall soon leave the comfortable life under the broom tree and start taking on responsibilities, leaving behind the simple life of a student in theology and commencing a new ministry in a church and a new marital life. The church expects pastoral workers to lead the church and apart from performing their duties, they are also expected to be sensitive and respond to the needs of the church and those of the community etc.

When I appreciate that this is a new beginning and a new phase in my life and a goodbye to the past, I thank God. This time He got me psychologically well prepared before entering a new phase.

I shouldn't stick to the choice I previously made and carry on with it forever. On the contrary, I should see it as a stepping stone for my next choice. Through my experience, I know that there can be better or more appropriate choices. This is a real renewal.

This is the next direction I've chosen- as a man, I shall be my wife's husband, my child's father and the pastor of my church. In the inner world, I am to expand the arena of my passions, pay more attention to the passions and feelings of those around me and my love life, revive my pursuit of arts so that I can appreciate more deeply and more clearly those people and things around me and show empathy. I am to recall my training experience and assimilate it into my pastoral ministry.